I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
