i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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