Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
