Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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