trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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