I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
