As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
love makes seman taste better
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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