Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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