tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he thought i was a dude.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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