My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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