...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
