Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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