I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
