I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
