The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
