I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
