There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
