my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
