I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
