Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
