The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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