apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
