ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
