you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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