dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
