I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
