When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
