I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
