My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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