people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize