Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize