y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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