When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
