the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
