I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
