he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
