Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
