Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
