omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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