wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
it's like heaven, but drunker
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
