ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
