I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
