Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
