...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
