So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
