Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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