glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
