is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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