I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
i think my cat just said my name.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
