Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
