Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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