Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
