Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
