Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
