dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
