I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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