Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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